My new book discusses the communication challenges that couples face – Biakolo

Emevwo Biakolo is an emeritus communication professor at Pan-Atlantic University, where he was the founding Dean of the School of Media and Communication. He attended Northcentral University in Scottsdale, Arizona, and now works in Lagos, Nigeria. His previous book, The Meaning of Marriage, published in 2010, has been reprinted several times, and a second edition is on the way.

He co-founded the not-for-profit Natural Family Counseling and Educational Network NAFACEN with his late wife, Dr. Margaret Biakolo, an NGO dedicated to family therapy, addiction counseling, mental health advocacy, and education. He is the executive director of the NAFACEN Center in Lagos.

Prof Biakolo, whose new book, Withness Conversation, is due for release, speaks modestly with a Vanguard correspondent about how the institution known as marriage has eroded its original course, as well as a snippet of what the new book is about.

Relationships in general have presented many challenges in today’s world, including broken homes, divorce, domestic violence, and even child abuse. As a Family Counseling expert, please enlighten us on where and how we went wrong in the first place.

These issues have plagued humanity since its inception. Critical social and cultural shifts in the last 50 years are likely to have exacerbated them. This is certainly true in the Western hemisphere. Since the 1960s, the rise of the women’s movement, particularly feminism, may have also contributed to wife-initiated divorce proceedings. Divorce rates in the United States, for example, are nearly 50% for first marriages and around 60% for second marriages. Furthermore, there are fewer marriages nowadays, and cohabitation makes break-ups easier.

Couples now appear to treat marriage as equivalent to non-marital sexual relationships, suggesting that the phenomenon of cohabitation and non-marital arrangements is having an effect on the marriage institution.

In Nigeria, my hunch is that, in addition to the previously mentioned de facto liaisons, such as cohabitation, access to information and alternative lifestyles brought about by the information and communication revolution may have an impact on the stability and durability of marriage and family life. In our cultures, formal institutional marriages have barely taken root. The majority of so-called marriages in many demographics take the form of traditional wedding ceremonies. Many couples do not even go to court or church to formalize their relationship. Breakups and other disorders are more likely as a result of this. In any case, they were not legally formalized.

Remember that the terminology has also changed. Previously, whipping your child was considered parental correction and discipline. The same action today would be considered child abuse. So, in general, cultural and social developments are at the heart of the issues you’ve raised.

Despite books, counseling, seminars, and workshops aimed at creating an effective model home, some homes appear to be on fire. How does your new book propose a solution to this hydra-headed family problem?

I am skeptical of miracle cures. The idea that one book, two books, or a thousand books can change cultural developments is a bad one. And neither does my new book, Withness Conversations: Love and Commitment in Couple Communication. My goal is far more modest: I present the communication challenges that couples face and propose a therapy modality to help couples at the individual, micro, or perhaps mezzo level. It is unrealistic to expect macro-social changes from cultural productions of this type. I am confident, however, that therapists and counselors who adhere to the book’s premises and procedures will find it useful as a modality of intervention in couple and family relational difficulties. Couples will recognize some of the difficulties they face in this book and may do well to avoid some of the more serious difficulties.

Single parenting is fraught with prejudice. As an expert, how do you think such children should be handled without jeopardizing their perception of what a quality relationship should be?

This is a particularly difficult issue, which is exacerbated by ideological interests. Not everyone believes in the social benefits of marriage; in fact, some are convinced and committed to undermining and abolishing the marriage institution. Despite this, the research literature shows that children from harmonious two-parent homes outperform children from single-parent homes in a variety of life and performance areas. Nature despises vacuum cleaners. Even when a mother or father is not present in the home, a surrogate, that is, a father-figure or mother-figure, will inevitably emerge in the child’s subconscious. Because the child has seen other model homes from friends and relatives, he or she will undoubtedly wonder why an important figure is missing from their lives. There are no explanations that will suffice. Some kids spend their entire lives looking for the missing figure. There is no single solution that can be proposed for all cases; intervention or treatment can only be done on a case-by-case basis.

According to your new book, communication in relationships is more than just a tool. However, we have seen breakdowns occur following a series of interventions. Who is to blame in this situation?

This is not a game of blame. I’m not convinced that we should be looking for a culprit. In this book, I propose some measures to keep love and commitment alive in relationships, as well as a modality of intervention when a disorder has arisen. Love, like any fire, will die if you do not keep adding fuel to it. Even intense passion is insufficient to keep the relationship happy and long-lasting. A relationship is like a living organism; you must feed and care for it in order to keep it alive and well.

How does one deal with an unintentional marriage between a normal and schizophrenic person?

If a partner suffers from a serious mental illness, he or she must receive appropriate treatment. You would take this person to the doctor if he or she was physically ill. Why not apply the same logic to mental health? Being concerned about social stigma is counterproductive. The fact that a person has a health issue is insufficient to cause a complete or irreversible breakdown in the relationship.

Finally, please share some of the key takeaways from your new book.

This is a large book with a variety of dimensions. As a result, different people will interpret it differently. Some noteworthy points for me concern my understanding of what communication between couples entails. The notion that you aren’t communicating simply because you don’t talk to each other or don’t talk enough is ridiculous. We are unable to communicate. That means we are constantly communicating, whether verbally or nonverbally. You’d have to be dead to be unable to communicate.

Furthermore, relationships do not dissolve on their own; they do so as a result of a series of active or passive behaviors. Finally, no divorce must be final; there is no problem that couples cannot solve if they both want to.